Tuesday, January 31, 2006

It's Jerome Bettis' Larry Foote's world, we're just living in it

In an another story about the juggernaut and key to the city holder that is Jerome Bettis, there was this small footnote at the bottom.


Gov. Jennifer Granholm also issued proclamations Tuesday declaring Wednesday "Jerome Bettis Day" and Thursday "Larry Foote Day."



So much for the host city being Switzerland. We've obviously picked our side. One more thing comes to mind as well...Larry Foote?

The "Jack Bauer Power Hour" quote of the week




"You read my file. First I take out your right eye, then your left, then I cut around the face..."

I read the columnists so you don't have to

Today the Little Fella goes into uncharted territory. What territory might that be? Jerome Bettis' parents. He's the gist of it...

Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis. A story the local and national media have already covered. Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis. Another story the zombies media-at-large have shoved down our throats. Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis. Another angle of a story that the sheep media have written and broadcast to our distraction. Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis Bettis. One more story the lemmings local, national, and even international media have already discussed in every concievable detail. BETTIS!

Feel free to do something productive with the time I just saved you...

Where have you gone Steve Grote, a Wolverine fan turns his lonely eyes to you

The Michigan Wolverines are ranked in the college basketball top 25 for the first tine in what seems like decades. The poll hit the streets Monday afternoon with the Wolverines in the 20th position. Holy mother of God! My first thought? Antoine Joubert must finally be living up to the hype. My second thought? How about those wacky "Fab 5" kids with their crazy long shorts and nutty black socks!

Seriously, there's a generation out there that doesn't remember when Michigan hoops actually mattered. Curses to Ed Martin, Ford Explorers, and Brian Ellerbee! Considering the Tommy Amaker led Wolverines look like a team that might do some post season damage, it seemed like a good time to talk about my allegiance to the Wolverines.

I'm your typical Wolverine fan, the type that Sparty fan hates. I didn't go to Michigan due to family circumstances. Neither did anyone else with whom I'm close. But I was exposed to the Lord and saviour that was Bo Schembechler at an early age. It was the Big 2 and Little 8. I had boy crushes on Billy Taylor and Rob Lytle. Hanging out in our remodeled basement with my buddies watching Keith Jackson call the Michigan - OSU game on our state of the art 19" black & white TV. Discovering Bob Ufer on the radio and wondering just what in the world I had stumbled on to. The 10 year war was at the dead center of my formative years. I thought those winged helmets were NIFTY!

You have to factor in that all the other Detroit teams were absolute bottom feeders. It was "Darkness with Harkness" and "The Dead Things." The Tigers were in midst of their worst years ever (up to that time, obviously) and hit rock bottom with their infamous 19 game losing streak. The Lions were forever hovering on the bad side of .500, never able to beat the Vikings and make the playoffs. Save for Dave Bing and Bob Lanier, the Pistons were literally an afterthought, the LA Clippers of their day.

It added up to a perfect storm that allowed for a generation of Michigan fanatics. We young kids rooted hard for Michigan. I know I'm not alone. Every one of my friends are Michigan fans. Even the couple that attended MSU... I believe that the entire Michigan male population thet grew up in Schembechler era became dyed in the blue Wolverine fans. I'm one of them...

College basketball was something that was pretty much off my radar as a kid. I didn't know Johnny Orr from Bobby Orr. It was the Michigan teams of the mid 70's led by Rickey Green, Steve Grote, and Phil Hubbard that caused me to check out college hoop for the first time. 1976 was my first real exposure to the NCAA tournament. That Wolverine team and their run to the championship game is the reason I'm a fan of the college game today.

I root for Sparty. I really do. I cheered for MSU over the years, I'll admit more so in hoop, but football as well. How could you not? I never understood the idea that you can't, at the very least, root for both teams in football and basketball. Especially if you weren't an alumnus. But scratch the surface, not all that deep down, I'm a Michigan fan. The Wolverines are the team that truly stirs my passions.

A female friend once asked me about my feelings in regard to the two schools. (She was an EMU grad, for what it's worth) I told her that it came down to this, especially in football,but hoop as well. If Sparty wins, that's cool. If they lose, well...Bummer, that's too bad. But when it comes to the Michigan Wolverines? It's life and death. Hide the women, children, and the dog if they lose. Which has been all too often for the football team, but that's another post...

In a prefect world, the Wolverines and Sparty would both get high NCAA seeds and make serious tournament noise. Sparty making their typical run would be damn cool. Somewhat expected, but cool. But...the Wolverines making the Sweet 16 would make me much happier. I can't help it, I just can't. If you make me pick between the two schools? It's always going to be the Wolverines. Always...

Monday, January 30, 2006

If your initials are "MM," the Lions want an interview

The ususal suspects (Mortensen, Clayton, et all) report Mike Martz is a serious candidate to become the Lions offensive coordinator. The local beat writers, the Killer for one, say it's not nearly a done deal, but it is being bandied about by both parties.

Is it possible to be excited and scared to death at the same time? Martz brings tons of baggage but is considered an offensive guru. So lets do a little pro/con exercise to help us decide if Martz to the Leos is a stroke of genius or a car wreck waiting to happen...

Pro: Made Kurt Warner and Marc Bulger look like Joe Montana and Johnny Unitas combined.
Con: His offense gets QB's killed, so you better have 3 decent ones.

Pro: Successful as a head coach.
Con: Rams couldn't wait to show him the door.

Pro: Was a candidate for another head coaching gig, so some still think highly of him.
Con: That interest was from the senile Al Davis.

Pro: Known for his innovative play calling.
Con: Tends to outsmart himself due to overconfidence in his offense.

Pro: Marshall Faulk had huge seasons in Martz's offense.
Con: Faulk may have done it despite Martz's playcalling, as he rarely had more than 15-18 carries a game.

Pro: Martz needs to rehab his reputation, helping to turn around the Lions would be a good start.
Con: He's gone with the wind as soon as another top job comes along.

Pro: Kick starting the Lions dreadful offense would be a big time selling point in his quest to get another head coaching position.
Con: Martz would much prefer to be a head coach, so he may already have the knives sharpened to stick in Rod Marinelli's back.

Pro: Credited with creating the "Greatest Show on Turf."
Con: Considered a legend in his own mind.

Pro: Martz brings name recogintion and excitement, considering the Marinelli hiring had neither.
Con: Can Martz's go for the jugular mentality mesh with a supposedly more conservative Marinelli?

My conclusion? Unfortunately, it's not all that simple. As a Lions fan, my heart says to give Martz a shot, take a roll of the dice. As a Lions fan, my mind thinks that if it's the Lions, they'll roll craps.

Addendum 12:40pm:
SI's Peter King makes Martz to the Lions sound like a done deal. I just found this nugget in today's "Ten Things I Think I Think" section of his MMQB.

I think Mike Martz will be the best hire Matt Millen has made in five years. Assuming it gets done-- and I hear Martz is enthused about the job -- whoever plays quarterback for the Lions in 2006 is going to be the happiest man on the face of the earth after one minicamp with Martz.

Hmmmm...

Detroit's collective IQ just dropped thru the floor




Cold Pizza is in town, which means the two worst ESPN talking heads have arrived.
Lord help us all...

I read the latest Wobb Parker column...

...so you don't have to.

Readers Digest condensed version:


Kobe Bryant sure is scoring lots of points. Did you know he scored 81 points? He scored 39 against the Pistons. Kobe leads the league in scoring. Kobe wants to win without Shaq, but the Lakers are a bad team. Pistons fans like to watch Kobe but like to watch a good team more. The Pistons are the best team and Joe Dumars agrees.

The End.

Cliffs Notes version:

Kobe scores a lot of points, but the Pistons are a better team.

The End.

I just saved you 5 minutes of your life. You can thank me later...

Friday, January 27, 2006

Stereotypes are the refuge of a hack


The Detroit bashing I expected the media to do with unrestrained glee hasn't happened as of yet. For example,Mike Downey, former Freep lead columnist (Pre Little Fella), has some very nice things to say about Detroit and it's denizens in the Chicago Tribune. The line that hit most home to me?

No wonder a lot of Michigan folk can't take a joke. Most of them have heard one too many.

Truer words have not been spoken.

Up to this point, I've seen more in defense of the D than what you might expect. But that defense has come from either local media, such as in Michael Rosenberg's well thought out Fox Sports column, or from those who have lived here and are thus sympathetic, such as Downey. More typical is this article by Fox Sports Randy Hill, which has a harmless snark to it. He gets extra credit for taking a snide swipe at the Little Fella.

But the NFL Travelling All-Stars & Motor Kings haven't yet hit town. As soon as the heavy hitters of the media land at Metro this weekend, step into 30 degree cold, and see dark skies, they'll wish they were in SoCal and the gloves will come off.

We Michiganders know the drill all too well. Stereotypes will be used in force, and with malice. I guarantee hack columnists and lazy broadcasters will use the following examples: Rioting fans (I'll forever curse Bubba Helms), it's too damn cold, Devil's Night fires, high crime rate, crazy corrupt mayor, Beirut (Thank you Michael Wilbon), Bahgdad, Millen's an idiot. Well, the last is more of a fact, but still...

Maybe I'm going a little overboard, but years of denigrating Detroit have taken a toll on everyone that lives in the metro area. It's become personal. We all remember the cracks made during the last two NBA Finals and the Ryder Cup. If there had been a referee, he'd have thrown a flag for "Piling on."

So, in fairness to Detroit...I'm making a preemptive strike, starting with the Super Bowl participants...

Seattle - Latte drinking, Birkenstock wearing hippies that riot. (Remember the WTO meetings?) They are under the impression that Kurt Kobain was a tortured genius, not a strung out addict.
Pittsburgh - Laid off steel workers who drink beer with funny names and think Myron Cope, of all people, is a God? What the Hell is with those stupid yellow towels? Hey, I saw "The Deer Hunter..."
Boston - Racist city whose Irish drunks think the world revolves around the Sox and Pats.(Just ask them) Have a huge a inferiority complex in regard to NYC.
NYC - Smug goodfellas who think the universe revolves around them, but for some reason have to go to Jersey to watch football.
Philly - Thugs who believe Steakums and Cheez Whiz on a bun is a delicacy. I hear they hate Santa too...
Miami - Cualquier persona habla inglés?
Atlanta - General Sherman went through there for a reason. Nothing but a bunch of good ol' boys who are the worst sports fans in the country, unless it involves cars truning left.
LA - Anyone actually from LA? Anyone at all? Home of the transient, front running, bandwagon fan. (Suddenly a college football town thanks to USC, wasn't the Coliseum half empty 5 years ago?) They can't keep a pro football team and think Kobe Bryant's a role model. You best be packing heat when driving the expressway.
Chicago - Politically corrupt (Dead people vote...multiple times), full of fat guys that root fer da Cubs and da Bears. Have a World Series winning team that they could give two shits about. Think Ditka is the messiah. Let's not forget Steve Bartman...
Cincinatti - Hicksville. One step up from Columbus, and they thought Pete Rose had a cool haircut.
Cleveland - "Mistake on the Lake." Nothing more to be said.
Dallas - Cowboy boot wearing nouveau riche, meaing they have gold plated gun racks and 22" rims on their F-150.
Houston - Wants to be like Dallas. Everyone drives a beat up pickup truck with a gun rack while drinking beer from a paper bag. Hey, I saw "Urban Cowboy..."
Phoenix - I wouldn't know, it's too damn hot to go outside. Want to steal our water.

I could go on, but why bother? I already know everything I need about other big cities, even if I've never been there before.

Dishing out the "Haterade"

The recent GQ list of the 10 most hated athletes in sports got me to thinking. One, how did a bass fisherman get on the list? Michael Iaconelli? Who? Isn't he Christopher on "The Sopranos?" Two, who have Detroiters despised over the years? It got me to thinking even more. Here's whom I've felt the "Haterade" for over the years.

1. Claude Lemieux - Unquestionably the most hated man ever in this area. The only thing that would make Detroiters happier than they were seeing "The Turtle" get pummled by Darren McCarty would be if the Lions won the Super Bowl. Claude Lemieux = Pure Evil.

2. Michael Jordan - It was bad enough he singlehandedly ended the Bad Boy's reign. After the Bulls started winning titles, Jordan decided rub salt into a gaping wound with his infamous quote that the Pistons title run was bad for basketball. He seemed to especially delight in beating the Pistons. Detroit was one of the few places were Jordan was deservedly booed.

3. The Boston Celtics starting lineup of the mid-late 80's - Was there a more hated bunch than that Celtics crew? The most unlikable team ever. They still stick in my craw. Danny Ainge might have been the most annoying player I've ever seen. Dennis Johnson might have been the ugliest palyer I've ever seen. Who can forget Robert Parrish sucker punching Bill Laimbeer with unmitigated malice? Larry Legend talking trash while draining circus shots. Kevin McHale looked like Lurch but his battles with Rick Mahorn were legendary. Every time the Bird steal gets replayed, I turn the channel. I still can't bear to watch... Both teams and their fans wished the depths of Hell upon each other. A honorable mention goes to the despicable Tommy Heinsohn, you could feel his love for the Celtics during those CBS broadcasts.

4. Patrick Roy - Was there a more arrogant bastard than Patty Waaah? Roy was at the Ainge level of annoying, but he was an all-world talent, which made it even more frustrating. Seeing Mike Vernon take him out in the 1997 fight is still one of my favorite memories. Second, in my mind anyway, would be the "Statue of Liberty" move that backfired on him in the 2002 Western Confrence finals. Thinking about Brendan Shanahan shoving the puck behind him still brings a smile to my face to this day. God damn, was Roy smug!

5. Scott Mitchell - I wasn't going to add a Detroit player to the list, as those lists have been done. But the bile Mitchell brings up leaves a bad taste in all our mouths. Mitchell's spot stands for all the Detroit players that have raised our considerable ire, from Tim Cheveldae, to Bobby Higginson, to Juan Gone. I can't go on any further, as just thinking about them causes my blood pressure to rise...

6. Ron Artest - Artest is not a fun kind of crazy. Artest is "I'm scared to death of him as he might stick a shiv in me" crazy. If it had been anyone other than Artest, the Palace brawl would never have escalated as it did. This area will never live that night down, thanks to his lack of common sense. What was worse is that he seemed to have the Pistons number. The Detroit-Indy rivalry was on the verge of going to the Wings-Avs level, but Artest cut the legs out from under the Pacers. I'm thrilled to see that crazy mofo out of the division. Sacramento, hide the children and lock your doors.

7. Minnesota Vikings, circa 70's Purple People Eaters - Growing up, I hated HATED HATED the Vikings. The Lions could never, ever beat that damn team. It wasn't as if we are talking blowouts either. This was the era the Lions became the "Lions," where they found any and every way to lose a game, especially to the Vikings. But for some damn reason, what still sticks in my mind is how Herman "Thunderfoot" Weaver always seemed to choke playing them. There always seemed to be a blocked or shanked punt that would just decimate the Lions when victory seemed within their grasp. "Thunderfoot" made a young Big Al cry...

8. Jerry Hairston - Hairston was a utility player who hit like Ruth, Bonds, and Cobb combined whenever the White Sox played the Tigers. Breaking up Milt Wilcox's perfect game was bad enough. But no matter what the situation, no matter who was pitching, Hairston always got the big hit against the Tigers. I don't ever remember him making an out...

9. Lamar Hunt - Not an athlete, but he belongs on the list. Hunt is the Grinch to our Cindy Lou Who. His repeated attempts to take our Thanksiving Day game away never ends. The topic comes up every few years, with him as the point man. Thank goodness the Fords react with the wrath of a wronged woman whenever Hunt tries to gain support for rotating the game. But it still doesn't deter him. Trust me, the evil old SOB will try again.

10. Chris Chelios - Hard to believe he's now a beloved Red Wing. But in his Blackhawk days? I wished neverending pain upon him. When the big trade was made for Chelios in 1999, there was much consternation amongst the Wings faithful. How could we root for such a despicable individual? It's the Bill Laimbeer corollary at it's finest. Chris Chelios is a horrible prick, but now he's our horrible prick.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

35-5, Sparty gets bent over, and the Maize Rage rushes the court. Just another night of hoops in the D

Need I say that it was a wonderful night for roundball in the D? It's not often when you see the "House that Cazzie built" in a complete frenzy. About 45 minutes to the north, the Palace was at its usual fevered level, for good reason.

On with my slanted, biased, and highly uninformed thoughts...

MSU was bent over, spanked, then anally abused by the officiating crew last night. There were some phantom calls that were as bad as the so-called foul called on Bill Laimbeer in game 7 of the '88 NBA Finals. (One of the worst calls ever) I 'll admit that there were questionalble fouls called against both teams, but Sparty took the brunt of the referee ineptness. A 24 shot free throw disparity against Sparty was a death knell. That put them on a razor's edge, having to play a perfect game. The "Tin Foil Hat" brigade will be out in force saying there is a conspiracy to prop up the Wolverines. Thing is, the Michigan Mafia may have that kind of pull...

Still, Michigan did what they were supposed to do in a rivalry game. Play their asses off, keep their own crowd in the game, and win. The Wolverines were 3 for 3.

As well as Michigan played, you have to wonder if the game would turned out differently if Tom Izzo doesn't call the time out that nullified what would have been a game tying 3 ball by Maurice Ager. Coaches tend to outsmart themselves. Sometimes you have to let the players play.

I love watching Michigan's Graham Brown careen around the floor. Just think if he had talent that matched his will and intensity. Or if a Courtney Sims played with the same burning fire as Brown.

Did I say the officiating was at a Sun Belt Confrence level of awful? I just wanted to make sure.

I think I can say with some confidence that there will be two Big 10 representatives from our fair state in the NCAA's. I'm not totally convinced, as it's a long, tough Big 10 season, but my Magic 8 Ball shows encouraging signs...

At the "House that Isiah built," Chauncy Billups had another game that cements his status as a legitimate MVP candidate. Last night's stat line?

25 points 15 assists 5 rebounds. Just. Insane.

Chauncy went into Mr. Big Shot mode and hit two jumpers in OT that essentially ended the game. What more can one player do? You know what really tells you something about Billups' season? That Rip Hamilton throws in a clutch 35 points, and even though it's not exactly an afterthought, it's not the lead story. It's Billups' daily heroics.

Even with Billups playing out of his mind, he's not my favorite Piston to watch. So who would that be, you ask? It's 'Sheed. I love his inside/outside game. He falls a little too much in love with the 3 point line at times, but that also makes him entertaining as all get out. The man can fling a headband like no other... If there is a better statement about hoop than "Ball don't lie," I haven't heard it.

On the other hand, Michael Redd was unstoppable. He was Kobe lite. But the Pistons are so good, it made no difference. It's very comparable the Bad Boy's old "Jordan Rules." Let one guy get his, stop the rest.

I'm thrilled the Pistons matched the 35 - 5 mark, just so they can move past it. There's bigger fish to fry. Home court through the playoffs is still not a given, despite their phenominal record. The Spurs and Mavs are still lurking a few games back overall, just close enough to keep the Pistons interest. I seriously doubt we'll see them sleepwalk though the dog days like last season.

As for the Eastern Confrence home court race? The Pistons are an amazing 11 games up on Miami. 11 games! Is that possible this early in the season? We are in midst of watching one Hell of an historic season. They have become so through in their domination, you have a tendency to take wins for granted. You sometimes forget just how scary good the Pistons and their season has become.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Kwame loves Jerome

As host of the Super Bowl, shouldn't Detroit be the eqivalent of Switzerland? A neutral observer? Host with the most? You would think we would show our love to both Pittsburgh and Seattle. So what in the Hell is Kwame Kilpatrick thinking?

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is considering declaring next week Jerome Bettis week in honor of the hometown hero, who’s Pittsburgh Steelers will be playing in next week’s Super Bowl for the first time in a decade.

I like Jerome Bettis as much as the next guy. He's a great ambassador for the area and will be the MSM focal point in the week leading up to the game. Pittsburgh is a kindred rust belt city. But why does the D want to show favoritism, or even the appearance of it, in honoring Bettis before the game? What are Seattle and their fans going to think? Couldn't this wait? Is it even necessary? It reeks of mayoral grandstanding. Then again, should we have expected anything better from Kwame?

Reading between the lines

We can only be so lucky. After a couple of days reprieve from our local columnists bloviating, they're back. In force. Lets see what's on their self important minds today.

I don't know what to say. I never would have thought it possible. Our favorite fiction writer, the Little Fella, opines bout sports, AGAIN? What's going on here? His radio show being cut to 2 hours daily must leave him with extra time on his hands. He decides to talk about the very obvious comparisons you'll find between two rust belt cities. Unfortunatly, it's the same column he's written since his 80's heyday. You know the one. Where he repeats the same slightly reworded phrase throughout the piece.

Same column, different decade.
Same shit, different day.

The Little Fella starts with the obvious...

We like Pittsburgh.
We are Pittsburgh.


I get it, we're all blue collar folk. He continues...

We like Jerome Bettis.
We are Jerome Bettis.


We are going to be soooo tired of the Bettis angle. Now it gets strange...

We like Ben's beard.
We are Ben's beard.


Beard? What the Hell? Then more weirdness...

It snows there.
It snows here.


Thanks for the weather report, Frodo. This is award winning writing? Need I go on? Cause I sure can't...

Next is Michael Rosenberg, who should be the lead Freep sports columnist. With all the extra curriculars going on locally, a pretty big rivalry game is flying under the radar. He writes of tonights MSU - U of M match-up. Actually, it's more of a "State of the Programs" address. Sparty fans will nod their heads in agreement, but as for Wolverine fans? The truth hurts.

So, do you think Michigan's basketball team can close the gap against Michigan State tonight?

Sure. As long as U-M beats MSU at least a half-dozen times -- by double digits, of course.

And then Michigan would have to clinch a couple of Final Four berths, restock the team and clinch another.

And then the Wolverines would need to sell out at least 60 straight games. Yes, it sounds like a lot. But MSU has sold out twice that many in a row.

And Tommy Amaker would have to adopt the "anybody, anytime, anywhere" scheduling attitude of Tom Izzo.

And maybe U-M could upgrade its facilities (arguably the worst in the Big Ten) to the same level as MSU's (arguably the best in the country).

But close the gap with one victory?

Are you kidding me?


Rosenberg hits the nail on the head. Hard. Pure and simple, MSU basketball is Michigan football, and vice vera. Tommy Amaker has made up little, if any, ground against the juggernaut that is Tom Izzo. Rosenberg then makes a very good point that the Michigan Mafia should take to heart.

But two years ago, when Michigan finally beat Michigan State (by two points in Ann Arbor), a lot of people said the Wolverines had "closed the gap." And if Michigan wins tonight, those same people will say it again.

I think it's insane.


Michael Rosenberg, voice of reason. The time is well past for a program of Michigan's stature to look for moral victories and deluding themselves about the gap between the two schools in hoop. But this piece leads me to ask one question. Does the Little Fella even know this game is being played?

There's a new face on the newspaper scene, and it's someone we all know. Art "Red Wings do no wrong" Regner looks to have a weekly spot in the Freep. It's imaginatively called "Art's Take of the Week." In a scathing opinion piece, Art...places a big, wet, sloppy french kiss on Chris Chelios.

Since joining the Red Wings in 1999, Chelios has been a no-nonsense, belligerent blue liner. His experience and passion for hockey makes him just as effective today as he was when he broke in with Montreal during the 1983-84 season.

Forty-four years ago today, Chris Chelios was born in Chicago. I never thought I ever would say this, but this kid from Detroit would like to wish that kid from Chicago happy birthday.


That's hard hitting journalism at it's best! Come on Art, the Wings lose two straight to the Predators and you write a puff piece on Chelios? It's pure Art Regner, Red Wing fluffer. It's comparable, at best, to a Wobb Parker-esque Joe Dumars suck up fest. Speaking of that...

Good Lord, more drivel from Wobb Parker. What's going on at the News? Wojo barely writes, but this guy keeps pounding out inanities almost daily. Today he blusters about his favorite sport, baseball. Why now? No one is thinking about baseball, and won't be for another month, save for the message board sabre wonks. The free agency push is over, the Tiger Caravan is a total non event if there ever was one, and there is some kind of big ass football thing-a-majig coming to town in a few days. Let alone there's a little basketball game going on about a half hour west, just ask Rosenberg. But Wobb feels the need to make something out of nothing, that nothing being an off hand comment from Todd Jones, of all people.

"I'd feel a whole lot better if we had one more guy that we knew we could get 200 innings out of," said Jones, who is one of many Tigers in the midst of touring the state to meet and greet fans. "I don't know who's out there in the free-agent market other than (Jeff) Weaver, but he's been here before. So I don't know how that's going to work.

"If we could have one more guy that would give us a chance to win every time he goes out, I think that would be important."


Jones answers his own question. All that's out there is Jeff Weaver. A career under .500 pitcher whom Scott Boras deems worthy of a 10 million a year contract. Weaver would NEVER want to come back to the Tigers voluntarily. Say what you want about Dave Dombrowski, but he's not that stupid.

Did this column even need to be written? One paragraph is basically Jones' quote and the next is a quote from Jim Leyland saying it sure would be nice to have a little more pitching.

"I'd like to have another pitcher. And I would like to have another guy in the bullpen, preferably a lefthander. We're better. I think we'll do OK. We're certainly not perfect yet, so we got a ways to go. But if we can come up with another starter and a left-handed reliever, I'd feel real good."

Jim Leyland just said a whole lot of nothing. And Wobb didn't add anything other than the obvious. In a nutshell, the baseball "Expert" Parker says...Jones once pitched for the Tigers, he left, he was really good last year but now he's old, and the Tigers hope he'll be really good this year. The End.

Columists. Can't get enough of 'em...

R.I.P. Nice Guy Eddie




"Stop pointin' that fuckin' gun at my dad!"

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Kobe Bryant's playing pop-a-shot, but at what expense?

Kobe Bryant taking the Raptors to school for 81 points Sunday night has everyone in a tizzy. Yes, a tizzy! You can't find anyone in the media or on the web that doesn't have an opinion. So here's mine...

Kobe is a selfish prick. Then again, I've spent the last 3 years watching a Detroit team that makes the extra pass, finds the open man, spreads the ball around, plays defense, and sacrifices personal stats in order to win.

I agree with those who say that Kobe is one of those once in a generation talents. But don't the best players make others around him better? Michael Jordan and Isiah Thomas did, to name just two. Bryant has never done that, and I doubt he ever will. It's kind of hard when you never pass the ball. Kobe's going to be double and triple teamed the rest of the season and he will still jack the ball up, rather than pass to an open man.

On the great "Inside the NBA" on TNT the other night, Charles Barkley said it best. During a discussion of Kobe's recent points explosion, David Aldridge said, in his opinion, Kobe is throwing up jumpers because his teammates shoot brick after brick. Barkley came back with (paraphrasing) "They're so stunned they even got the ball, they don't know what to do!"

I'm surprised the Zen Master puts up with it. Phil Jackson seems to be in a win now mode, rather than building for the future. He'll get a few more wins with Kobe playing pop-a-shot, but at what cost to the other 14 guys on the roster? If I'm Lamar Odom, I want out of town so I can play play on a "Team," not on the Los Angeles Kobe's.

Could the Los Angeles Kobe's gel better as a team if Kobe passed the ball when his teammates were wide open? How about rewarding a good pass with one from Kobe in return that could score an easy hoop? Why go the extra mile for Kobe when you aren't getting anything for sacificing your own game? It's not as if those sacrifices are leading to wins. It must be an awful lot of fun being on the floor, setting up Kobe, then just standing around hoping to get a rebound while he goes one on five...every time down the floor. Kobe is an out and out black hole, no good player is going to want to be on the same team. Just ask Shaq.

Kobe was a selfish ball hog when the Lakers were championship caliber. If he dumps the ball into Shaq (as he was being covered man-on-man) during the '04 Finals, maybe it becomes a closer, even winnable, series rather than the Pistons blowout (AKA 5 game sweep) it became. As good as the Pistons D and Ben Wallace are, Shaq was literally unstoppable down on the blocks. But Kobe continued to force off balance 20 footers while well covered. It looks more and more that the Lakers last three titles were thanks to Shaq's efforts, rather than Kobe's.

Which leads me to the ancillary discussion this game has brought up. That being, "Kobe for MVP." Does someone putting up monster numbers on a .500 team deserve the MVP over those playing at a high level (Chauncy Billups or Dirk Nowitzki) whose teams are actually championship contenders? Steve Kerr, in his latest Yahoo blatherings, says to forget the intangibles, Kobe's MVP, arguement over. This brings up talk similar to the, "Did Andre Dawson deserve the MVP despite playing on a last place Cubs team?" debate. In my biased mind, it's premature to say case closed, Kobe's MVP. He's going overwhelm you with offensive numbers, but the Lakers are going nowhere other than to a first round playoff knockout. That's if the Los Angeles Kobe's even make the playoffs, as it's far from a given.

Kobe will be first team NBA, but he's not MVP. True MVP's make their teammates better and lead their teams to titles. My MVP is Chauncy Billups. Now that's case closed.

Monday, January 23, 2006

The Jack Bauer Chloe quote of the week



"Edgar, when the terror alert level drops, I'll go get some chamomile tea, we'll sit down, and I'll tell you all my secrets..."

5 quick opinions that no one asked to hear

I roll out of bed this morning and I hear that Kobe Bryant goes for 81 points. 81? Four score and 1? Eighty freakin' one? I think the Zen Master hates to lose as much as anyone. He finally realizes that the only way the Lakers win is if Kobe channels a 25 year old Allen Iverson and jacks up the ball without conscience. Then again, not even AI was that cold blooded... When you seriously think about it, odds are Kobe will have more nights like that this season. I do think the "Kobe for MVP" talk is just a tad premature. Let's not get carried away, the Lakers are still just a .500 team.

The NFC/AFC confrence finals? Bah. Just bah. If there was one plus on the weekend, it was that there was no Tony Siragusa waddling along the sidelines doing his poor man's John Madden schtick. Small favors, you know?

The Pistons continue to roll. What more can you say about them? If you're on pace for 71 wins, I'm not going to say a damn thing, other than bravo! I do think the 35-5 comparisons (If the Pistons pull it off) to the Tigers are like talking apples and oranges. Both are nifty, but two different things, and doesn't really mean anything.

The "Furriners" are invading NASCAR. Toyota will move up from Craftsman Trucks and field teams in Busch and Nextel Cup series as of 2007. Despite the jingoism you might hear from the good ole' boy old guard fans, NASCAR is thrilled. Toyota will spend serious coin, and I mean SERIOUS, to be a factor right away. More competition means better racing. Better racing equals filled stands and higher TV ratings which equals more money in NASCAR's coffers. If there is is one thing that appeals to the NASCAR powers that be, it's a company that brings a blank check to help line the France family pockets.

ESPN rumor monger Chris Mortinson reported Mike Mularkey was offered nearly 2 million bucks to be the Lions offensive coordinator. Amazingly, Mularkey didn't take the money and run. But he took the same position when it was offered by the Fish? Two questions. First, were Mularkey's offenses really that good, as in 2 million bones a year worth of good, in Buffalo? I'll give him the benefit of the doubt due to his Pittsburgh years. How many coaches could make Kordell Stewart actually look good? Second, what about Miami's offer convinced Mularkey to turn down that kind of money? Miami's contract offer was more than a million dollars less than Detroit's. Do weather and family condsiderations really mean that much? I guess to Mularkey, they do. I have a feeling this doesn't bode well for the Lions coordinator search. I doubt we'll see big names fill the positions.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Dick Jauron, meet George Wilson

In a stunning development of particular interest to Lions fans, a former Detroit head coach gets a new lease on life. Word out of Buffalo is that Dick Jauron will accept the Bills head coach position this week.

I'm absolutely flabbergasted. Not that Jauron got the job, as he's deserving enough, if you factor in what he did in Chicago. It's that fact the streak has ended. A long time curse is over. The last Lions head coach to get another shot at a NFL head coaching position was George Wilson. He left Detroit in disgust back in 1964 and took over the expansion Dolphins in 1966. The former Lions head coaching well has been dry ever since. Till now, that is...

So in memoriam of the curse, here's to those former Lions head coaches who never got an opportunity to rehabilitate their reputations.

Harry (At least they didn't have rocks in them) Gilmer
Joe (It beats waiting to get the ziggy) Schmidt
Don (R.I.P.) McCafferty
Rick (He happened to be in the office) Forzano
Tommy (Who?) Hudspeth (Credit and kudos to Greg Eno)
Monte (See you at the cemetery) Clark
Darryl (Do you know what it takes to get fired around here?) Rogers
Wayne (Whaddya mean I'm fired?) Fontes
Bobby (I don't coach that! I'm a good coach!) Ross
Gary (Dead man walking) Moeller
Marty (The bar is high!) Mornhinweg
Steve (It's Joey's fault) Mariucci

Gentlemen, The Wayne Fontes Experience salutes you.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

My weak ass confrence final picks follow, you have been warned...

I'm going to go with my quarterback corollary again, even if it was blown out of the water last weekend. Lets play QB roulette and see if we can avoid the 0 & 00 on the wheel.

Carolina at Seattle: I'll put my money on Jake Delohomme over Matt Hasselbeck anytime. In a nutshell, Jake doesn't make mistakes. Can you remember a Delohomme playoff meltdown? Me neither. I don't have that faith in Hasselbeck. A bigger factor is that Hallesbeck doesn't have Steve Smith to throw to, whom would make even me look good. Shawn Alexander is a non factor, Smith runs wild in the secondary, and Carolina wins a low scoring (Take the under) game by a TD.

Pttsburgh at Denver
: Jake Plummer, to my surprise, didn't screw the pooch and outplayed Tom Terrific. Can he avoid the big time back breaking mistake again? I still can't shake the thought that it's a matter of when, not if, he'll blow up and throw 3 picks. I've become a believer in Big Ben Roethlisberger. I've called him a "Caretaker quaterback" in the past, causing me to now eat much crow. He's much better than that, and has shown that he can make plays in the clutch, as cliche' as that sounds. Hell, I'm still trying to figure how he made that game saving takle last Sunday. Denver will try to take advantage of their home field advantage and come out fast, but Plummer mistakes keep the Steeelers hanging around. Let's go out on a HUGE limb and say a Plummer turnover in OT will be the difference. "The Bus" comes home to the D for Super Bowl Extra Large as the Steelers win with an OT field goal. On this game as well, take the under.

A reminder, dear readers. These picks are for entertainment purposes only, as I am a lousy handicapper. I take no responsibility if a goon knocks at your door looking to take out your knee caps after you bet the car payment with "Louie the Book" at your local gin mill. As David Letterman always says, "This is an exhibition, not a competition. Please, no wagering." I know, I know, it doesn't exactly fit what I'm trying to say, but I love to say it whenever I get the chance...

Want to see Sidney Crosby at the Joe? Hurry up and wait, cause it's gonna be a while

McPaper hockey guru Kevin Allen covers one of the big issues I bitched and moaned about in my NHL post. Scheduling, and the strange logic behind it. Western Confrence teams hate the new scheduling set up, while the their Eastern Confrence bretheren basically say, "What? Me worry?"

Kevin was reading my mind when he wrote this...

Certainly, the Eastern Conference has plenty of reasons to like the new format. In the Atlantic Division, for example, the teams now have 32 games that involve commutes more than travel.

And this...

But some of the Western Conference teams are squawking about the new system, saying their fans don't want to see the same teams over and over.

As a fan, I found this next paragraph most disturbing...

The biggest complaint is that teams in the Western Conference might have to wait three years to get Crosby or Ilya Kovalchuk or Jaromir Jagr, and the Eastern Conference teams might have to wait that long to see Mike Modano or Joe Thornton or Pavel Datsyuk.


3 years? Christ, the NHL might not be around in 3 years! The NHL best rethink some of the changes they have made. The hardcore fanbase that has been screwed several times over deserves better.

Friday, January 20, 2006

My sports pet peeves, part 1

This will be an ongoing series here at The Wayne Fontes Experience. We all have pet peeves, especially sports fans. There are a million pet peeves in the big city, this is of them...


Why are the Detroit Red Wings in the Western Confrence?






Can someone explain this to me? OK, I realize why, but lets be realistic. Every time I go to the Joe (Once in a blue moon, like most fans) and get a couple of beers in me, I go off about confrence alignments. Being in the west really puts the Wings at a competitve disadvantage. As we all know, they are one of two eastern time zone teams in the west. Their travel is insane, especially when compared to teams on the eastern seaboard. Is there such a thing as a rough road trip for the Rangers, travel wise? Oh, they might catch some bad traffic on the way to play the Islanders, but come on... And what about that killer Philly to Pittsburgh commute?

We've all rolled out of bed bleary eyed after watching a Wings west coast playoff game that ended after 1:30 in the morning. God forbid if there's overtime. Sucks to be us. Then again, it sucks even more to be the Wings considering they have to fly back home immeadiately as the next scheduled game is within 48 hours. Games every other day, I'll admit, is great for us fans. (I'll spare you my rant regarding the asinine NBA playoff scheduling for another time) But I truly wonder how the players pull it off. I'll get pissy sitting in a car for 2 hours, and let's not even talk about flying. Yet the Wings have to criss cross the damn country countless times during the regular season and playoffs. That's not cool.

Then we have the Original 6 issue. We rarely never get to see the Habs, Bruins, Rangers, and Leafs. Over the years, for the most part, they have been consistently good teams with rabid fan bases. But what does this rabid fan base get? The Wings get stuck playing one of the most ineptly run charter franchises in sports, the friggin' Blackhawks. They don't care about the Blackhawks in Chicago, so why should we? Yet the powers that be in the NHL feel the need to force rivalries, even when none currently exist. A rivalry requires the other team to win occasionally. The Wings are a hammer, the Blackhawks a nail. That's not a rivalry, just a team that you play too damn much. So the Wings are stuck playing the awful Blackhawks 8 times a season.

The NHL is such a wonderfully run minor league.

Postscript: After rereading this, I think should change the the original focus of this piece. It's not just the Red Wings' western alignment that give me pause, I have a pet peeve with the entire entity that's known as the NHL...

I'll take "Full Metal Jacket analogies" for $200, Alex*

Personally, I'm exhausted from just reading the overwhelming amount of commentary written about Rod Marinelli. But the local columnists won't let up. It's Marinelli overload, day 2.

Warning: Extremely salty NSFW language ahead.

Lets start with the Freep.

In a stunning turn of events, the Little Fella writes another sports-centric column. That's his third since Sunday! I think that's more than he wrote in the previous 6 months. Frodo gives us a history lesson.

In my time covering this team, I have seen Darryl Rogers, Wayne Fontes, Bobby Ross, Gary Moeller, Marty Mornhinweg and Steve Mariucci all address the media to start their tenures. None of them did it as unflinchingly as Marinelli. None.

Rogers was flimflammy. Fontes was a clown. Ross barked. Moeller never knew his status. Mornhinweg -- well, he was a lost cause from his opening statements. And Mariucci was easygoing and cerebral.


WHAT THE!? He dissed Wayne? Now I'm pissed. But I digress... Yes Mitch, we all remember he Lions "Murderers Row" of coaches. So now comes the comparison to Marinelli.

Marinelli, in his crisp black suit, white shirt and blue tie, reminded me of Ed Harris playing John Glenn in "The Right Stuff." There was a glint in his eye, and his mouth curled often into a sly smile. He's 56. He has waited a long time. He's a Vietnam vet. And I know this much. I would not want to take on his troops in any war games.


I think Mitch puts the positive spin on the presser due to the fact that Marinelli scares the living shit out of him. In movie terms, Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, meet Pvt. Gomer Pyle. I can picture this exchange...

Rod Marinelli: How tall are you, private?
Little Fella: Sir, five-foot-nine, sir.
Rod Marinelli: Five-foot-nine? I didn't know they stacked shit that high!

Michael Rosenberg finally chimes in on the new "M & M Boys." He goes for the "Marenilli will be kicking ass and taking names / Millen is a bonehead" angle.

A month ago, none of us thought the Lions would hire Rod Marinelli. But you had to figure it would be somebody like Rod Marinelli: a guy who eats live alligators for breakfast. Marinelli majored in Fire and minored in Brimstone. He sounds like a Matt Millen kind of guy. (Scramble the letters of his name and you get "I adorr Millen," which Matt would tell you is the proper spelling.)

I'll admit that "I adorr Millen" cracked me up. Rosenberg has his moments.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, meet Pvt. Joker...

Rod Marinelli: Private Rosenberg, why did you join the Freep?
Michael Rosenberg: Sir, to write, sir!
Rod Marinelli: So you're a writer!?
Michael Rosenberg: Sir, yes sir!
Rod Marinelli: Then let me see your writer face!
Michael Rosenberg: Sir?
Rod Marinelli: You got a writer face? ARRRRRRRRRGH! That's a writer face, let me see your writer face!
Michael Rosenberg: Ahhhh!
Rod Marinelli: Bullshit, you didn't convince me, let me see your REAL writer face!
Michael Rosenberg: AHHHHH!
Rod Marinelli: You still don't scare me! Work on it!
Michael Rosenberg: Sir, yes sir!

Over at the News, unfortunately the only Lion opinion piece is from the "Functionally retarded" (Kudos and credit for that crack go to Briandtw of The Sports Frog) Wobb Parker. What a piece of absolute drivel. He begins with the drill sergeant comparison.

"Morning men" is how he addressed the media. He answered questions by looking directly at the reporters who asked them. His voice was firm. It never wavered. That was all good. So he gets a few style points.

What was missing, however, was Marinelli's answering any tough questions. Considering he is being billed as a disciplinarian, it had to be disappointing for fans to hear him tackle nothing of substance.


Wait a second. Tough questions? First off, who's asking the questions? Shouldn't you be pointing fingers at yourself, as one of the ink stained wretches who was asking said questions? He stumbles on...

Time after time, Marinelli, a first-time head coach at age 56, wouldn't allow himself to be pinned down on anything fans really wanted to know.

Will the Lions make the playoffs next season? Marinelli, or so it seemed, started reciting "War and Peace" out loud.

"That's a great question," he said. "Like I stated earlier, it's a show-me game.

"I'm tired of talking. I think there's too much talk. Too much, 'Hey, this is me; this is what I'm going to do.' I don't believe in that. It's a show-me game."

What? He never answered the question when it was asked two other times.


Please, how clueless does Wobb think we are? As Ian of Sweaty Men Endeavors (Who first nailed the R. Lee Ermey angle, by the way) mentioned in comments to my last Marinelli post, what more do you expect at an introductory press confrence? He's not going to go into any kind of detail, it's more of a "This is who I am and this is my philosophy" presser. You actually think he's going to give his true opinions about Joey Blue Skies, the Lions past futility, or his offensive/defensive plans? That's not going to happen in a public forum, and Wobb knows that for a fact. But he won't stop the madness...

It would have been great for Marinelli to say about the playoffs: "Of course, we are going to make the playoffs next season. There's enough talent here to get that done. We just have to get some things straightened out. And if we don't make the playoffs in the next season or two, I won't be here. You guys will be right back here with a new coach."

Come on. Marinelli saying they would make the playoffs next year? He's not stupid. If Marinelli had said as such, the press would be throwing that prediction back in his face at the first available opportunity. Still, Parker continues to flail blindly...

On Harrington: "We need another quarterback. Joey is done in Motown."

Guess being frank hurts.

So what Marinelli basically said was: Don't hold me to any timetable about making the postseason. I don't want to put a number on it and add any extra pressure.

How sad.

And he was telling fans that he's in the dark about Harrington, too. That he doesn't have a clue on whether the guy can play or win in this town.


Did I read that correctly? Wobb thinks Marinelli is in the dark about Joey? We know that can't be true. Marinelli had to game plan against him, and Millen must have asked his thoughts during the interview process, you think? Yet Wobb writes he should burn his bridges with Joey before they have another starting QB under contract? That would be smart thinking, piss off your only experienced QB (I know how we all feel about Harrington, but there's no one else on the roster at this point) during your first day on the job. This just in, Wobb isn't just functionally retarded, he's certifiable!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, meet Pvt. Cowboy.

Rod Marinelli: Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit, twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it. Out-fucking-standing. I will PT you all until you fucking die. I'll PT you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk.
[Rod Marinelli grabs Wobb Parker by the shirt]
Rod Marinelli: Was it you, you scroungy little fuck, huh?
Wobb Parker: Sir, no Sir!
Rod Marinelli : You little piece of shit! You look like a fucking worm, I bet it was you!

I cannot wait for the first confrontational presser after a bad loss. Just the thought of a Bobby Ross / Jim Mora style meltdown brings a smile to my face.

Oustanding!

*Apologies to Stanley Kubrick for bastardizing his wonderful dialog.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

The "My Name is Earl" Randy quote of the week



"Takin' hot dogs out of Camden County is like takin' hot wings out of Syracuse..."

Meet Billy Badass...er...Rod Marinelli

I'm Marinellied out. The events of today have been hashed and rehashed. So I'm keeping it short and sweet.

One thing was very noticable. Where were the Fords? They couldn't make the time to appear? I can understand Bill Jr. having better things to do, as he is trying to save the family business. But WCF? He has no excuses. Were they afraid of facing the press? Let me get out my Magic 8 Ball. "All signs point to yes."

Marinelli comes off as, to quote Joey Harrington, "Billy Badass."

He was big on the coachspeak, talking in generalities. Marinelli would not get specific about players or what offense/defense he would run. The there was lots of talk about working on conditioning, fundimentals and techniques, watching film, laying groundwork, taking care of the details, playing hard and smart, player improvement through playing harder and working together, changing habits and attitudes, hiring a staff that can teach and motivate. Those are nice thoughts, but it's nothing anyone who has played the game at even a high school level hasn't heard before. Talk is cheap.

I got the shivers when Marinelli mentioned he was close with Eric Hipple during his Utah St. days. He's got to learn to never bring up old Detroit QB's...

All in all though, Marinelli held his own. Not as slick as Mooch, but who is? He came across much better than Morninwheg, who acted the tough guy part. Marinelli doesn't need to act.

It's getting windy, don't you think?

Do you feel the hot air? It's due to the fact that big announcements bring out the local columnists in force. So with the Marinelli hiring, everyone throws their 2 cents in, which is the total worth of most of their opinions.

Drew Sharp whips out an Oliver Stone level conspiracy theory. All that's missing is, "Back and to the left, back and to the left..."

However, you can't help but wonder if Grimm soured on the Lions in the wake of a five-hour interview with Millen in Pittsburgh last week. What happened in the next 48 hours? Well, for one, the Steelers upset Indianapolis in their playoff game.

And with time to consider his options, it wouldn't be a surprise if certain people within the Steelers organization -- people with prior ties to the Lions -- steered Grimm away from hitching his coaching future to a front office that has been reduced to a cartoon.


So in Sharp's dull mind, the reason Grimm isn't head coach is due to the Steelers front office bad mouthing the Lions? Grimm has lost out on jobs in the past. There are no guarantees that he'll ever get considered for a head coach position again. I seriously doubt Grimm would turn down a NFL head coaching opportunity, even the Lions gig, if offered. What drugs does Sharp take? Because I'd like to visit fantasyland...

The Little Fella lowers himself to talk sports and chimes in with words of warning. Thing is, I'm sure "Roddy" is aware of the pitfalls of leading the Lions.

The truth is, Roddy -- may I call you Roddy? -- there is so much negativity toward the Lions, it turns great players mediocre and mediocre players lousy. It squashes quarterbacks. And it buries coaching careers the way Tony Soprano buries double-crossers.


Mitch Albom, voice of doooooooooom.

Wobb Parker, on the other hand, plays the often used "Millen makes the wrong decision again" card. He throws in the Drew Sharp conspiracy theory for good measure...

Deep down, fans have to believe Russ Grimm turned down the Lions.

Sure, Millen will try to sell the opposite at the news conference making Marinelli's hiring official. Fans, however, probably will end up singing the old Men at Work tune, "It's a Mistake."

Yes, Millen has done it again.

No, it's not the fact he hired another coach with a surname starting with M.

He's made another "M"istake.

Time will prove it.


Typical boilerplate from Parker. He would have written the same exact column if Millen had hired Grimm. Bet on it. Well...it would have been a little different, as he couldn't be able use the "M" jokes.

Wojo is a voice of reason. He takes a reasoned response, and says to just wait and see before we get our panties tied in a knot.

Millen was in a tough spot here, delivered there by his own mistakes, of course. With 10 NFL teams hiring new coaches this offseason, he faced competition for a suspect field of candidates, choosing between the Unknowns (Marinelli, Grimm) and the Underwhelming (Haslett).

We said from the start, there wasn't a surefire choice for the Lions. But before you despair, you might recall Mariucci was considered a surefire choice, and we know how that worked out.

Millen is taking a shot with Marinelli, maybe a shot in the dark. Some will chuckle at the pick, perhaps out of habit. I'm skeptical like everyone else. But I'm also sick of public relations moves by the Lions, drafting the flashy player or signing the fancy coach with the slick resume.

By pedigree and manner, Marinelli appears different than your average Lions head coach.

For starters, that can't be all bad, can it?


Why can't he be this erudite on WDFN? Because he's too busy screaming "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" at every damn caller.

Over in the minor leagues, the Oakland Press' Pat Caputo, rather than write about the biggest story in town so far this year, opines about...Paul Davis and MSU? Lets move on.

Keith Langlois at least writes about the Lions, but halfway through he decides that Jim Haslett is the shiznit. I'm not kidding...

The other serious candidate for the job, Jim Haslett, might not have excited the fan base much. But he would have been a more credible hire than Marinelli.

Opinions on Haslett are all over the map in the NFL. Some considered his teams undisciplined and underachieving. Others contended that his 42-38 career record before the Katrina-ravaged 3-13 season that got him fi red was remarkable given the dysfunctional management team in place in New Orleans.

Hmmm. Six years dealing with dysfunctional management. Lived through the Katrina catastrophe. Seems to me that's the ideal resume to prepare yourself for coaching the disaster William Clay Ford and Matt Millen have made of the Lions.


Pimping Haslett? That retread? I think this column is a result of attending "Columnist 101" in school. Lesson one - Be a contrarian, no matter how asinine the opinion.

Lets count our lucky stars that it won't be till Tigers opening day that we'll be again hit such an onslaught of "Expert opinion."

Words fail me

In today's McPaper, the results of a NCAA football penalty study were shown. What, pray tell, was the result?

"Sun Belt Conference officials frequently throw yellow flags"

Officials working games in the nation's newest NCAA Division I-A football conference have been busier lately than those in other leagues. For each of the last three seasons, Sun Belt Conference games have had more penalties called than games involving any other league in the nation. Referees have called more penalties in the Sun Belt Conference than in any other Division I-A league. Referees have called more penalties in the Sun Belt Conference than in any other Division I-A league.

On average, 18.6 penalties a game (9.3 for each team) were called by Sun Belt officials in 2005. Accounting for calls declined by the opposition, there were 16 accepted penalties a game (or eight for each team) involving Sun Belt teams in the recently completed season.


Wolverine fans remain flabbergasted.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Round up the usual suspects

While checking for Marinelli news, I ran into this blurb at Pro Football Weekly. Considering I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the Kiper mock draft, I guess this isn't surprising.


According to our sources in Casablanca Detroit, team president Captain Renault Matt Millen told multiple head-coaching candidates with whom he recently spoke that the Lions aren’t looking at QB prospects in the upcoming draft. We’re told Renault Millen and Rick Blaine the scouting staff are interested in Major Strasser Cardinals QB Josh McCown, an unrestricted free agent, and at least two other veterans expected to be available via trade. Team observers said Renault Millen also believes Signor Ferrari Jon Kitna could do the job. However, a league source said the Lions were “in love with” Ilsa Vanderbilt QB Jay Cutler, who could be one of the top three quarterbacks drafted in April. The uncertainty at quarterback includes Sam Joey Harrington, who threw 12 touchdowns and 12 interceptions in 2005, when he fell out of favor with former head coach ,Victor Lazlo Steve Mariucci. Sam's Harrington’s status will be determined after the new coaching staff is hired.

I'm guessing one of the two veterans mentioned that are available via trade would be Billy Volek, if the Titans pick Leinart or Young as expected. So, for the Lions starting QB in 2006, Harrington, McCown, Volek, Kitna, and Cutler have all been mentioned. Factor in Orlovsky in the mix as a backup.

Not the most inspiring bunch of usual suspects, to say the very least. But I'd rather see the Lions go with Harrington and one of the stop gap veterans than spend another high pick on a QB. Anything but another high risk skill player. Anything!

Matt Millen needs to listen closely to that very wise man, Captain Renault.

"Realizing the importance of the case, my men are rounding up twice the usual number of suspects..."

All that's left is to sign on the line that is dotted

20 minutes after my last post, the news hit the web and 10 minutes after that, radio and Sportscenter.


Marinelli never left town after his 2nd interview, was offered the Lions gig, and a presser is expected within 24 hours.



My opinion? Meh. I'd like to see who the coorodinators and position coaches are before I think about getting even lukewarm over this hire. What's my biggest concern? Why has Marinelli has been in the league over 20 years and never got within sniffing distance of a head coaching gig before now? Maybe the Lions see something other teams haven't? Yeah, right. I'm sure you've heard the old saying, even a blind squirrel sometimes finds a nut. Unfortunately, the Lions are the blind squirrel exception to the rule. They've never found a nut...

As I life-long Lions slappy, the Marinelli hire brings up another platitude that all Lions masochists fans believe and hold dear.

Hope for the best and expect the worst.

One good thing about this is that Millen will finally have to face questioning from the press in a public forum. He's been hiding in the weeds for 2 months. I'll give even odds that the Marinelli news confrence gets as ugly as the Tiger presser announcing Phil Garner as manager back in 2000. That inqusition went down in history thanks to the late Detroit News columnist Joe Falls laying waste to Mike Illich. Good times...

Marinelli, Haslett, and Grimm, oh my!

Word has been slowly leaking out that we'll know who the next Lions coach to never have another job in the NFL head coach will be very soon. The 3 suspects look to be Rod Marinelli, Jim Haslett, and Russ Grimm.

Let's look at their qualifications.

Marinelli - Never been a head coach or coordinator. At any level...

Haslett - Retread that led the Saints nowhere and thought Aaron Brooks was the solution at QB.

Russ Grimm - Never been a head coach or coordinator. At any level... Looks exactly like Matt Millen.

Color me less than enthused. Excuse me while I go burn my Barry Sanders jersey.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Mel Kiper's at it again

Draftnik extrordinare Mel Kiper has released his projection of the 2006 NFL draft first round. Detroit's projected #9 pick is in bold.

1. Houston -- *Reggie Bush, RB, USC
2. New Orleans -- Matt Leinart, QB, USC
3. Tennessee -- *Vince Young, QB, Texas
4. New York Jets -- D'Brickashaw Ferguson, OT, Virginia
5. Green Bay -- *Mario Williams, DE, NC State
6. Oakland -- A.J. Hawk, LB, Ohio State
7. San Francisco -- DeMeco Ryans, LB, Alabama
8. Buffalo -- *Haloti Ngata, DT, Oregon
9. Detroit -- Jay Cutler, QB, Vanderbilt
10. Arizona -- DeAngelo Williams, RB, Memphis


You want to hear my first thoughts?

No God damn way! Please God, no! Not another fucking offensive skill player that will take years to pan out. You think the fans are pissed now? Millen makes that pick and the Lions best be prepared for the very ugly consequences.

I hope to God that geek Kiper is just playing a cruel joke on us Lions fans. He's probabally laughing his helmet haired ass off...

Reading between the lines

Here's a snippet about our favorite victory cigar Darko from Chris McCosky's "Burning Questions" article in today's Detroit News.

There is still some serious upside to this guy. I don't think he's ever going to be a star, and given he was a No. 2 overall pick, most might use that and conclude he was a bust.

But I still see him having a long and somewhat productive career, perhaps one similar to that of a Rik Smits or Detlef Schrempf, guys who averaged around 14 points and eight rebounds over long careers.


Serious upside? Chris, anytime you compere the 2nd overall pick in the draft to Smits and Schrempf, he's a BUST! B. U. S. T. BUST. Anything the Pistons brain trust say at this point is pure Bill O'Reilly level bloviated spin.

The Freep's little fella actually decides to write, at least tangentally, about sports and comes up with this gem.

On ESPN's "The Sports Reporters" on Sunday, one of my colleagues said the Colts would "blow out" the Steelers by 20 points. Another said we'd see an emotional victory by Indianapolis. I predicted Indy would be ahead early. We all seemed so right.

How could we be so wrong?

I think some of it has to do with hot air. Mine. Ours. As the sports world has exploded, we've gotten so caught up in predictions, analysis, talk shows and the Internet that we act as if sports is a Rubik's Cube.


I believe Albom just wrote that he and the other ink stained wretches on ESPN are full of unadulterated shit! About time he fessed up to what we already knew...

In today's Oakland Press, Pat Caputo decides to write about something he's obviously well versed in, figure skating?

It doesn't appear that Emily Hughes will be competing in Turin. It seems her spot on the United States squad will be taken by Michelle Kwan, who has a groin injury and didn't skate at the U.S. nationals but petitioned for a spot on the team. A panel of 23 coaches, officials and athletes voted Kwan onto the squad by a 20-3 margin, pending a bizarre tryout. Kwan will skate a long and short program in front of five judges later this month. Then it will be decided whether she is healthy enough to compete at the Olympics. If Kwan goes, Hughes is out.

Pat, no one who reads your column gives a flying fuck about figure skating. Are you aware that figure skating is an athletic exhibition rather than actual competition? Just ask the French judge that was busted for fixing the "Scoring." (A term I'd use loosely...)

By the way, does anyone realize that the Winter Olympics are next month? Didn't think so...

Cheli puts his 2 cents in on the Lions head coach search

Chris Chelios was quoted the other day saying he thinks his chili would be the perfect meal for whomever the the Lions name as their head coach. Considering he has a new "Cheli's Chili" opening downtown, Chelios also mentioned whom would be on his short list if he was in Matt Millen's place...

Kansas' Matt Mangino...











...and Toledo's Tom Amstutz.

Monday, January 16, 2006

The Jack Bauer quotes of the week, part 2


"This is not...over."

"TAKE A FLANK 2 POSITION!"

The Jack Bauer quote of the week, part 1

"Let's get something straight kid. The only reason you are still concious is I don't want to carry you."










R.I.P. President Pedro Cerrano. You will be missed...

I'm not the only one with a man-crush on this blogs' namesake


Just visit the Wayne Fontes Fan Club for all things Wayne.

You know what tells you all you need to know about Wayne-o? That you won't see "All Things Steve Mariucci" or "The Marty Mornhinweg Reliquary" on the web anytime soon.

Pondering the weekend

There's a reason I'm not making a living as a handicapper... It's because I suck as one. 1 - 3 picking playoff games outright, 0 - 4 against the spread? Ouch. Vegas would love to see me in their sports books. Then again, I never said I was an expert, just a doofus fan with an uninformed opinion.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again. The next time Peyton Manning wins a big game, it'll be the first.

Nice of the media beatified Mr. Happy Feet Peyton, during post game interviews, to throw his offensive line not just under the bus, but also the dump truck, tractor trailer, M-1 tank, combine, and earth mover. The man sure is clutch.

Refereeing was uniformly horrific all weekend. (Michigan fans would say it was of Sun Belt Confrence quality) We had pass interference calls when there shouldn't be, but not called when it was obviously blatent. There was the Troy Polamalu interception, then a what-the-fuck non-interception, a call Stevie Wonder could and would have made correctly. What to make of the out and out strange 4th down play that never happened late during Indy - Pittsburgh? The last time I heard "Do-over" on the playing field was during pick up games in elementary school. How about the Thomas Jones TD call that should have been a touchback? Sure, replay corected it and the Carolina face mask penalty made it moot, but how in the Hell do you miss such an obvious call to begin with? The NFL could use Pete Rozell back from the dead to kick some referee ass.

I had perverse delight in watching Indy's "Idiot kicker" hit a dead slice wide-wide-wide right. A duffer on the 1st tee couldn't have done it better. All that was missing was Mike Vanderjagt yelling, "FORE!" As I doubt Vanderjagt will be a Colt next season, what's next for the "Idiot kicker?" As Judge Smails put so succintly, "The world needs ditch diggers too..."

Tom Brady finally had a bad game in the playoffs. Not much you can say other than that he was over due. I guess you could say the same about mountain man bearded Jake Plummer, he was over due to not throw a backbreaking pick (or 3) in a pressure situation.

Half a dozen of Rex Grossman is 6 of Kyle Orton. As if you didn't see that QB performance coming...

On the local front... That was a nice road OT win by Sparty, the Wolverines do not look like a team capable of doing anything (If they can even make the tournament, which far from a given) in the NCAA's, the Pistons continue to go all Rowdy Roddy Piper on the NBA by chewing bubble gum and kicking ass, and the Wings just cruise along, thumping Eastern Confrence teams. Too bad it's now back to the Wings playing countless games against St. Louis, Columbus, and Chicago... For what it's worth, the Red Wings playing in the Western Confrence in one of my biggest (of several) sports pet peeves. I'm warning you now, that sounds like a good upcoming blog post...

Folks, we are heading into the dog days of the NHL and NBA seasons, so be prepared. The playoffs cannot start soon enough.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Spend enough time reading message boards, you'd think the Pistons are in deep, deep trouble

Frequent message boards often enough, and you'll be amazed at what you'll see posted. The Pistons are 29 - 5. And this is what you'll read...

Trade 'Sheed and/or Darko for Bosh/KG/Any Youngish Big Time Player.


OMG! TEH BENCH IS TEH SUXORS!!1! :-(


The starters play too many minutes, what is Flip thinking!?


Where's the LB style defense?


Let's take this one by one...

First off, any GM that would trade a Chis Bosh or Kevin Garnett for a much older Rasheed and/or never-will-be Darko should be fired on the spot and run out of town on a rail. Why trade 'Sheed anyway? He's all of 31, he has some productive years left, and he's playing well. The Pistons championship window will be open for at least another year or two. You don't fix what ain't broke. The Pistons ain't broke. In a couple of years, then we'll talk. Joe Dumars watched the Bad Boys team grow old around him, he won't let that happen to this group. It'll be much easier to trade 'Sheed (Or McDyess/Arroyo/name your current Piston) and his contract when it's closer to expiring. We all know that expiring contracts are more valuable than actual players in the current NBA, don't we? Darko won't get you squat at this point, I can see Dumars riding out this season with him and then exploring trade options in the off season. Any man that can get good value for Rodney White and Mateen Cleaves can get something for Darko, if he sees fit...

The bench. The webziens are bitching and moaning about the bench. Lindsay Hunter and his defense will be back in a week or two. Dice is a solid 6th man, no worries there. Arroyo, who would start for several teams, is uneven, but he's getting only 12 - 15 minutes a night while backing up a legitimate MVP candidate. His assist to minutes ratio, which I'm too lazy to look up, is damn good. (I just looked... Arroyo is #2 in the NBA in assists per 48 minutes and #4 in assists per turnover. Yeah, he definitely blows...) Defino and Evans? Would you rather see Darvin Ham still on the floor? Didn't think so. The bench is fine.

Now we have the minutes issue, which is exascerbated by our memories of seeing Larry Brown run Tayshaun Prince into the ground last season. Pure and simple, Flip Saunders put it best. All star quality players play 35 + minutes a night. On every team. The Pistons have arguably 5 starters of all star quality. You don't sit them for the sake of sitting them. You pick their spots, which Flip has done, and they'll be fine come playoffs.

Defense comes down to numbers. You score more points (Which we all wanted to see), you give the other team more posessions, the odds are they will score more. Trust me, in big situations, the Pistons can turn the defensive heat up a couple of notches. They just shut the Spurs down in two recent meetings. So what if Charlotte scores 91 points? The Pistons are still blowing teams out. The turn the screws defense will be there when needed.

The Pistons sure look like a team that needs to listen to a wannabe message board GM's advice...

Saturday, January 14, 2006

The sad state of sports talk radio in the D

It's late on a Saturday night. I'm killing time till SNL begins, as my life is pretty damn boring at the moment. So I'm watching the Pats - Broncos game and posting/lurking in the Swamp. Good time to write, you think? So what should I pontificate about? Detroit sports talk radio, WDFN and WXYT in paticular. I'll restrict my thoughts to local shows only rather than national. For example, what can you say about Jim Rome that hasn't already been said? You either love Rome or you hate Rome, no in between. Rack him, clones.

Let's start with the morining shows. Both are unlistenable. I'll give you that WXYT's "S & L in the Morning" (Now Lund and Gator) has improved since S was dumped. That's not saying much, but it's something. Marc Spindler was the poster boy for NCAA lunkheads that got into college because they could play ball. I'd love to see those SAT scores... As for L? John Lund doesn't know Detroit sports, won't ever know Detroit sports, and has a tad of the Gary Danielson "I'm better than you, I'm a legend in my own mind" vibe. As for Spindler's replacement, Scotty "Gator" Anderson, there was a reason he was their long time fill in/weekend/late night guy. He's OK, but you'd think they could do better. I mean they have a legend like Lund, right?

On the other hand is "Jamie and Brady" on the Fan. This is where I start with the Fan resting on their laurels. They're boring beyond words. Nothing but old bits. Five questions. The Squares. Defending the Indefensable. Hot Potato. I'd say que up the old bit siren, but that's a past it's prime old bit as well. The only saving grace is that they have decent national and local insiders, such as Fatty McButterpants Peter King, Danny Knobler, Tom Kolwalski, Kevin Allen, and Chris McCosky, to name a few. They all aren't all great shakes, but do bring something to the show that the hosts are unable. That being an actual legitimate opinion from someone in the know. That's a little better than Greg Brady saying he watched "24," rather than the game, the night before. Jamie Samuelsen? He's a straight man who needs a strong personality (Gregg Henson, anyone?) as a partner. That sure isn't Brady, who'd rather talk about pop culture 24/7.

On to middays. The best sports talk in the area goes on in this slot. Both "The Sports Inferno" with Terry Foster and Mike Valenti and "It is What it is" with Sean Baligian are damn good. Better than both morning and afternoon drive. Baligian is a personable everyman, knows his sports (Especially hockey and football), and keeps the old bit off topic stuff to a bare minimum. He will talk outside the sports realm, but doesn't go overboard with it.

Same goes for Foster and Valenti. There was a time when I felt they flipped a coin every day to see who would give the contarian veiwpoint on a topic, and it was usually Valenti. I'll also admit Valenti's tough guy schtick can be grating at times. But he's grown on me over the past year. The same goes for Valenti that I said about Baligian. That's high praise for someone who's not orginally from the D. As for Foster, he's been underappreciated in this market for years, going back to the late, lamented "Sports Doctors" with Art Regner on WDFN. TFos knows his shit, has inside connections, keeps Valenti on a short leash, and not afraid to say what's what. For what it's worth, they post articles to their web site everyday, which gives Foster a opinion forum that the Detroit News no longer gives him.

Both these shows should be in the morning drive time slots.

Which brings us to afternoon drive. I'll start by saying I've been a loyal Stoney and Wojo listener for as long as I can remember. But things change. I'm no longer loyal. Something needs to change here, as I feel as I'm listening to the same recycled guy talk every day. In other words, que the old bit siren. Bob Wojonowski's dumb guy schtick, once funny, is now just wearing. "Do I know this song, Stoney?" "Panic in whatever-happened-last-night town!" "Mmmm, sandwiches/Nutter Butters/Any food in general." "HmmmHmmmHmmm...Shooters!" "Happy New Year!" Stop the bullshit (Especially Happy New Year), PLEASE! Thing is, when Wojo talks straight up about sports, he one of the most lucid, smart hosts in the city. His Detroit News columns confirm that, no question. But for some reason, he feels the need to dumb himself down and clown it up on air. It's this forced slappiness that has really turned me off.

As for Stoney, Mike Stone is still Mike Stone, which is a good thing. He's the same guy I enjoyed when the Fan first came on the air over a decade ago. The dude is deservedly called "The Franchise." I honestly enjoy him more when he doesn't have to play straight man to Wojo. He won't slap it up, thank God. Can he have more forceful opinions? Tougher interview questions? Sure, but he can only do so much when overwhelmed with all the Wojo silliness.

One other thing that adversely affects S & W are their callers. They only encourage the slapstick with their own asinine, regurgitated bits. Clearing your throat? Bad impressions? Stupid nicknames? The same old tired cliches? (The Lions will never win till Ford sells the team!) It's not cute, it's not funny, it's just old...

Art Regner and Doug Karsch on WXYT's "The Big Show," I can take or leave, it really depends on the subject. When it comes to the Red Wings (Regner) and the Wolverines (Karsch), they have no peers. But you can't talk Red Wings and Michigan football 5 days a week, as much as they try. Other sports, they just don't bring it. Regner's rants on the Lions and Tigers rate up there with Wojo's dumb guy schtick. They once were entertaining. Now? I've heard it before and nothing has changed since the last time he whipped the pissed off fan who deserves better bit out. Karsch is the go to guy in Detroit when it comes to U of M. Otherwise, he's thowing unimformed opinions at the wall and hoping something sticks. Or he just gets out of Regner's way when he starts screaming about how he'll never watch the Lions/Tigers again. They aren't horrible, and I find myself listening to them whenever S & W start with the lame games, people are stupid stories, Bruce Springsteen talk, Wojo mispronouncing names, or have another 10 minute long commercial break. All of which happen much too often.

I'd say something about "Parker and the Man" on 97.1 weeknights, but I can't bear to listen to Wobb Rob Parker. I just can't do it... You can only take so much, "Coooome uuoooon..." I avoid his columns at all cost in the News, why on earth would I want to hear his opinions over the air?

From what I read on some of the local sports media sites, there may be changes in the station lineups. WXYT has finally overtaken WDFN in the Arbitron ratings. That just might be the kick in the ass WDFN has long needed. If there is a station that needs a jump start to get out of a longtime rut, the Fan is it. As of right now, WXYT is the lesser of two extremely boring ass evils.

Dude, why "The Wayne Fontes Experience?"


A better question would be, "Why not?"

I think of it this way. Who better to name a blog after? Wayne-o is the bestest football coach evah! Bill Belicheck has nothing on the Big Buck. Who else could last 8 seasons as a NFL head coach with a losing record? Wayne, that's who. Who could get busted for cocaine posession, blame it on his kid, and get away with it? My man Wayne. Who was Barry Sanders all-time favorite coach? It sure as hell wasn't Bobby Ross. It was Mr. Fontes. For whom did The Worldwide Leader's Chris Berman coin the term "Rasputin game?" None other than Wayne Fontes. Name a Lions coach that has actually won a playoff game in the last 49 years. WAYNER did, that who! What do Lions fans chant when they are pissed off at their current sacrifical lamb coach? (Other than "Fire Millen" that is...) "Bring back Wayne! Bring back WAYNE!"

That's why I've called my spot on the web "The Wayne Fontes Experince." Well...There's that, and it just sounds better than "The Bobby Ross Enclave."